However the phrase New Beginnings implies you draw a line under something and start again. But I don’t see it like that. To me you are still continuing the same journey, just with new motivations or skills – or both.

Regular readers of this blog will know my life has undergone some big changes in recent years – kick-started by getting treatment for a drink problem in 2016.

But I’m still me. Still Sam the wife, mother, friend. I live in the same house. Have the same career. I still love cats and cake and coffee. I still make lumpy mashed potato and dance as if no one is watching when a disco tune comes on the radio.

But spiritually, mentally, emotionally I have started over –  things have fundamentally changed, due to the skills that addiction treatment, mindfulness and Buddhism taught me.

Take a health crisis I had shortly before Christmas. I suffered unexpected side effects from a medical procedure. It was scary. Yet I handled it so much better than I would have done a few years ago.  In the past I would have catastrophized the situation and held it up as something really major – and I would have nurtured huge resentments over what had happened. Why me?

But Buddhism has taught me that life is full of ups and downs, so don’t attach to either. Good things happen and then pass. Bad ones do too. So, after the initial upset that perspective has really helped me through this challenging time.

Then there is AA  – that organisation has taught me to accept the things I cannot change. And that’s what I have done. Instead of continuing to cry about the “what if”s” and  “it’s not fair”s I’ve accepted what happened.

And that is how I now deal with the ups and downs of my writing career. Since I focused on my mental health,  I have gained the ability to create distance between me and areas of my life that are sometimes stressful – to realise that if one book doesn’t do as well as another, for example, it’s not my fault. The universe isn’t out to get me. It’s just the way a writing career rolls. Of course, sometimes I get upset – I’m only human – but I re-calibrate, I re-center myself so much more quickly than I used to.

Learning about gratitude has been a massive help too and overall I’m just hugely grateful for the success I’ve had and the fact I am doing a job I love.

So if you want to change your life… if you feel unhappy with the status quo but are unable to move to that cottage by the sea or leave that demanding job or land an agent… don’t feel hopeless. New Beginnings are VERY possible just by changing the way you deal with the world and other people. Sometimes external change DOES need to happen – but  may not be possible straightaway.

So changing internally will help you cope until you are able to alter the situation you are in.

Changing your inside will help you cope with the outside. There is a saying in AA – “It doesn’t get better, but you do”.

And if you could have moved to that cottage by the sea it might have proved lonely. Gaining a less demanding job might not have satisfied you intellectually. That may not have been the right agent for you. The life outside of you is, to some degree, out of your control and will suffer peaks and troughs whatever happens. And accepting that alone has been one of the most important realisations for me. These days there are so many expectations out there that we should be happy, happy, happy, the whole time –  so that when something goes wrong we feel as if it shouldn’t have.

But take a step back from that point of view. Is it logical? NO. Bereavement happens. So do fall-outs. Redundancy. Rejections. Ill health. World crises. Life is about joyous times, but hard ones as well. And once you accept that, the difficult times can be easier to manage because you don’t feel quite as targeted.

So why not approach this year by joining a mindfulness class? Or writing a daily gratitude journal?

The New Beginnings that really matter are the ones that take place inside. Fundamentally changing your thought processes and perspective is like magic and really can see you through anything.

Best of luck. And have a wonderful 2020!

At first the usual thoughts went through my head:

It’s not fair.

Poor me.

What’s the point?

I may as well stop writing.

Everyone else is having an easier time.

The world is against me.

Ridiculous really. I’m in a great place at the moment, with a fantastic agent and brilliant publisher, writing two genres that I absolutely love – and with Knowing You recently out, a book I’m very proud of, receiving wonderful reviews. But oh yes, I had a full-on pity party. Despite all the mindfulness and Buddhism I’ve learnt about over the last couple of years, I still have meltdowns now and again – I’m only human. The difference is I pull myself out of them quicker. NetFlix and chocolate help.

And another aid to recovery is to look back on previous disappointments and see how I’ve got over them and this acts as a huge pick-me-up.

In fact I’ve listed a few here – to show those of you currently in the doldrums that things do change and move forwards. The troughs don’t last forever, even thought they feel interminable at the time.

Years of rejections.

It took me six years to get my first agent. I’ve got a folder of 80 rejections. During those years I swore I’d give up writing, it wasn’t worth the tears. In fact my young kids offered to publish me when they grew up. I’m still holding them to that, even though they are now at uni, in case my career nosedives! But yes, tough times – but I just kept going, writing and sending my work out there and eventually got to sign on a dotted line.

Up and down sales

My debut, Doubting Abbey, was a bestselling Christmas book December 2013. I even had interest from a Hollywood film producer! I thought that was it. I’d made it. All my books would continue with this success. But then the sequel From Paris with Love came out. The reviews were great and it did reach #600 in the AmazonUK charts, but it didn’t reach the dizzy heights of its predecessor. With a sharp shock I realised complacency was not going to be allowed to feature in my career.

In 2015 Game of Scones, got to #5 in the kindle chart, won the 2015 Love Stories Awards Best Romantic Ebook category and has sold 100,000 copies. The following two books didn’t sell as well. But then my summer 2016 book Breakfast Under a Cornish Sun got to #5 as well.

So for many authors there will be ups and downs along the way and after having 11 books published I realise that, and it helps me now if there are sales disappointments – who knows what is around the corner. I always say an author is only as good as their next book and this excites me and pushes me forwards. And I imagine that is the same excitement felt by agents and publishers when going through their submission pile. There are always endless possibilities. Who knows what your writing brain will come up with next?

Lack of understanding of the industry from bystanders

And it isn’t their fault. I don’t know much about any other sort of career so why should I assume bystanders understand how mine works? Indeed, before I started writing I linked a successful author career with red carpets and mansions with swimming pools. However once you’re in the thick of it, you realise what a tough career it is and the photo below reveals how unglamorous the day to day can be! It can be frustrating when yet another person asks if your life is like J K Rowling’s (I had that just last week). Or they question whether an ebook is a “real” book, or they dismiss your success if you aren’t currently in every single bookstore in the land.

Over time I’ve learned to distance myself from this and accept that the general view of what it’s like to be an author isn’t likely to change – and I’ve been lucky, most people who know about my job have been nothing but supportive. I’ve also found that joining online author groups helps immensely as you quickly realise most writers, at whatever stage, whatever their deal, to one extent or another, are going through the same problems and one of those is facing this very issue.

Rating yourself

It’s a tough one, not comparing yourself to other authors, and it’s hard to remember that us writers are not pitted against each other (even though rankings might make it seem as if we are). Over the last couple of years I’ve had counselling for eating disorder issues that have raised their head again, after 30 years. My counsellor said it was ironic that I’d chosen a career where I am being rated the whole time – Amazon rankings, reviews – as anorexics/bulimics are continually rating themselves too. And yes, it is something I struggle with. But mindfulness and Buddhism remind me to focus on my own journey. That’s what Olympian coaches do. They tell their athletes the only person they are competing against is themselves and their last personal best.

So you aren’t alone. Stop being hard on yourself. Be a little kinder to self. Sounds naff, doesn’t it? But it’s so important. Look back at your positives – an encouraging rejection, a lovely review. You are all amazing just for putting your hearts on the line and getting your words out into the public arena.

It is hard. I feel as if I am soldiering on at the moment. It’s not a 9 – 5 job that you can leave at the office. It’s can be in your thoughts 24/7. And for that reason it can sometimes feel as if you’ve been in the industry for a life-time.

So you must also take a time-check. For example I’ve had 11 books published but that has happened within only 5 1/2 years. I’m still in the early stages of my career, from many points of view. I need to remember that and remind myself of how long it takes, in other professions, to become fully trained and reach your goals.

The ups are followed by downs and the downs are always followed by ups – this is true of any personal or professional life. So to keep sane, try not to attach to either as both will pass.

I also try to remind myself that many women of my mother’s generation didn’t have a chance to follow a career. The problems I am having would have been problems they’d have love to have had. So I remind myself to be grateful

Come and say hello to me on Twitter @SamTongeWriter if you’re having a challenging time.

We’re all in this together

I’m exceptionally grateful for the treatment and support I’ve had. During the process of recovery I’ve learnt a lot about how to cope with the stresses and strains of modern life, thanks to group therapy, counselling, AA, Buddhism and mindfulness.

A large positive is that I’m now learning to deal – it’s still a work in progress – much better with my career as an author. So, fellow writers, here are my top tips for keeping yourself safe from poor mental health.

Firstly manage your expectations. Before I got published I used to dream about signing a movie deal and would imagine myself on a red carpet. If you do this you’re setting yourself up for failure. Film rights sell but the movie you fantasise about rarely comes to fruition. So don’t start off by coveting the success of the biggest bestselling authors. Just finishing  a manuscript is a huge achievement, let alone getting it published. Take your career step by step – it’s a cliche but I visualise mine as a ladder. You eventually bag an agent. Or a publisher. Perhaps both. Your first book is out. Then your second. Then another. Perhaps one or more of your books appear in foreign languages or audio format. You gain a bestseller flag on Amazon. Maybe you win an award.

But none of this is going to happen at once. It’s a long road to writerly success punctuated with disappointments – they are part of the journey. Never forget to appreciate the small things. A positive rejection letter. A good review. A lovely book cover. That was one of my problems before – I was always chasing the bigger picture. I work hard at not doing that now and feel much happier and fulfilled.

Secondly – realise your work is not you. What I mean by this is… if you get a bad review, never forget that is someone’s opinion of your writing, NOT YOU AS A PERSON.  If one of my books sank in the charts, for example, I used to tell myself I had failed. And that led me to seek unhelpful coping mechanisms to make myself feel better, such as drinking or eating junk food.

Nowadays I distance myself and whilst my writing is my vocation, my lifeblood, I try to be more clinical and objective about certain aspects.

And don’t obsess over reviews or rankings. Limit how often you go into Goodreads or onto Amazon.

Thirdly – don’t get carried away with the branding. I used to love promoting my romantic comedies and was a real kittens and cupcakes kind of author. But then, when my mental health became poor, this became tough. I didn’t feel I could talk about the challenges I was facing as they didn’t match that image. An image that was the real me but, as my health failed, didn’t represent the whole. So my advice – some may disagree – is that whilst branding is very important it mustn’t have the final say on how you use social media.

Fourthly – one of the gift’s from AA is the  mantra “Accept the things you cannot change” In the past I used to stew about the what ifs, and if onlys. What’s the point? Now I’ll simply shrug my shoulders – it’s not always easy – and say to myself “It is what it is”. This is extremely liberating and gets rid of the pent up frustration.

This ties into mindfulness – focusing on the present. Had a bad review yesterday? No matter. It’s been and gone. Worried about next week’s book signing? No point. It will be what it will be. Getting anxious and projecting into the future won’t change that. You haven’t got a crystal ball. Don’t fool yourself that you have.

Lastly and on personal note as someone recovering from alcoholism and eating disorders, keep an eye on your drinking and food habits. Alcohol is a big part of the publishing industry. Wine o’clock. Prosecco parties. Boozy book launches. Drinking in moderation, in a social setting is one thing – but drinking to change the way you feel is quite another. If that’s what you are doing you need to see this as a warning sign. I used to drink to further boost the great feeling of a good ranking. Or to make myself feel chirpier after a poor review. Slowly, insidiously this escalated and before I knew it I could find any excuse.

If you do anything – drinking, eating, shopping, gambling – to give yourself a boost, to take the edge off a disappointment, to relax yourself after a busy day, then you are doing it to change the way you feel and need to step back before it becomes addictive and out of control.

Find different, healthier coping mechanisms. Go for a walk. Meet a friend for a chat. Have a candle-lit bath. Learn to meditate.

I love my career and feel blessed to have had so many novels published, to have had bestellers. My writing hasn’t been to blame for my problems. Nothing – no one – is to blame but myself and the way I’ve dealt with challenges. But do yourself a favour and bear these tips in mind. Being an author is a wonderful thing if you have the right tools to deal with the rollercoaster ride. 

I went to a reputable tattoo parlour, recommended to me by my daughter and a friend. I *spoke* to them a few times on Facebook, about what I wanted, before going in. The artist was very patient whilst we discussed my ideas and changed designs. I wanted it small and natural looking. So here’s the process.

It’s best to go into a parlour having looked online and chosen a couple of examples of the sort of design you want. My artist then traced one and altered the size on her scanner. We fiddled with the shape of the petals. I wanted it just right. You can’t go really small as you’ll lose the detail and certain places, like the palms of your hands, are no good as the ink will eventually wear off. You’ll then go into the inking room. The artist will have drawn out the design onto paper and will press this where you want. It will leave a drawn outline of the tattoo for the artist to fill in with colour.

And then they’ll begin!

I wasn’t sure what to expect as I knew that inkings on certain areas – um, like the wrist – are more painful and so is white ink. However it was fine and just felt like hot stinging. In fact  it was almost – and this is going to sound strange – pleasurable, no doubt due to the effect of my endorphins being released.

Mine only took about fifteen minutes, then it was wrapped in cling film. This had to be kept on for a couple of hours, as the tattoo is at its most vulnerable then in terms of catching germs and getting infected. Different artists give different advice on how long you must wrap your tatt, so follow your own’s advice.

So the aftercare? Every few hours I must wash it with plain soap and hot water. Three or four times a day I have to cover it with special aftercare cream. This process must continue for ten to fourteen days – during which time the tattoo might scab, peel, flake and itch.  Smaller ones aren’t as such a risk of this. Also, you must time your tattoo well – mine was weeks ahead of a spa weekend. If you are going on a beach holiday make sure you have it done at least a few of weeks in advance and take advice on this.

And the result? I couldn’t be more pleased. It is exactly what I wanted – delicate, natural, pretty and pastel, small – and after a difficult time personally, it has great meaning for me.

The cost? Mine was £40. One customer there had a biggish thigh one done for £180. It will depend on your tattoo’s size and detail.

People always say getting tattoos done is addictive and I can see why! The whole experience left me on a real high

It pays to bear in mind that most dreams are unrealistic – the getting published bit isn’t, but it’s what we subconsciously attach to that aspiration. Your view of “getting published” might be that… you earn loads of money. Buy a big house and fancy car. Gain respect from everyone you meet. Suddenly become irresistible to the object of your affection. Never feel depressed again. End up on the Booker List. Stand on the red carpet next to George Clooney. Fit into that size ten dress. Prove to everyone who ever doubted you that their view of you was incorrect.

IT IS UNREASONABLE TO EXPECT ANY OF THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN AS A DIRECT RESULT OF FINALLY GETTING YOUR BOOK OUT THERE!

So how can us writers hold onto our happiness during such a roller coaster career?

Over the last year I’ve learn a lot from Buddhism. One of its tenets is that unhappiness comes from being attached to either good or bad things. What helps is realising that nothing is permanent. If we can do that, our life will achieve a sense of balance.

Take my 2015 bestseller Game of Scones. It reached #5 in the Kindle chart and stayed in the Top Ten for a good length of time. It won an award. Many readers loved the story. I was finally on my way to “making it” I whooped! I attached myself to that success and expected it to continue.

That was my  mistake. The next book didn’t do badly, but didn’t do as well. I felt I’d failed. I attached myself to those feelings of disappointment and wondered if I’d ever have a bestseller again.

As it turned out I did and last year Breakfast Under a Cornish Sun got to #8. However, these days I have a different perspective. I don’t become attached to the peaks or the troughs. And I have zero expectations when a book is released. I write it the best I can, with love and heart, and I promote it at the outset… but then I let it go and get on with my next project. What will be will be. There are SO MANY reasons why a book does or doesn’t do well: the publisher’s strategy, the cover, title, price, the timing of its release, the other books around at that moment… I find that if I distance myself from my successes and see them for what they are – transitory events – it gives me a much more balanced view of my career.

Remember, the path to misery is littered with expectations and senses of entitlement!

And all of this can be applied to life. Physical looks, our own and loved ones’ personalities, domestic circumstances, financial earnings, our state of health … be aware that everything is impermanent and in a constant state of flux. This makes it easier to accept your situation when the status quo changes – which it will.

By all means enjoy your highs. You have worked hard. You deserve them. And lick your wounds during the lows. But remember – neither is permanent. Work hard and keep submitting manuscripts and you will get a deal. Keep writing and learning more about your craft and those good reviews and sales rankings will once again appear. Finding working with your current publisher/editor/agent difficult? One way or another that situation won’t last forever.

In my experience, keeping detached and enjoying the good moments simply for what they are (without further expectations), and realising the bad moments will eventually pass… THAT – in writing and in life – is the secret to happiness.

It means we are biased towards the negative; wired to remember harsh rejections and bad reviews instead of the great ones. Researchers talk of the 5:1 ratio. For example, if you’ve treated someone badly, you’ll need to treat them well five times before their brain will equal out the negativity bias and allow that person to remember the good side of you as well.

This post is about making you aware of the problem, so that you can use this information to cope with the up and down path we tread along the journey to publication and beyond – and give yourself the thumbs-up.

Firstly – let me pass on one more thing that I’ve learnt – and bear with me, on this… Thoughts. They aren’t actually you. They are your brain reacting to stimuli. You can accept them – or not. For example, a bad review or rejection letter comes in. “I’m a useless author” you think. Um, no. You are not thinking this – your brain has thrown this idea into your mind, as a reaction to the bad news. This leaves you with two choices. You can accept it. Wallow. Throw a pity party. Comfort yourself with that packet of biscuits. Get cross. Or… you can dismiss it. Thank you brain, for that suggestion, but I disagree. Not everyone will like my work, I know that – and I also know that one unfavourable review or letter doesn’t mean I’m no good at being a writer.

Secondly – just being aware of the negativity bias gives you power. So, when something happens, in your writerly life, that gets you down, make a determined, conscious effort to remind yourself of all the good things. That reader who loved your book. The agent who encouraged you. That get-together where you made new author friends. The warm glow you got when you managed you write a chapter you really, really loved. Think positive. It can be irritating can’t it, when people say that’s what you should do? But  now you know the science behind it.  We need to think frequently and consciously think positively just to redress the balance of that negativity bias Mother Nature gave us. Remember the 5:1 ratio? That is what you are up against.

Thirdly – remember this word, to beat the negativity bias: PERSPECTIVE. There are many events in my writerly life that I’ve quaked about. Attending an author event. Meeting my publisher or agent for the first time. Reading reviews. Take the first time I headed down to London to meet my editor. Those negative thoughts started up. “I’ll be a disappointment.” “I’ll be found out as not really being up to the job.” “I’ll make a fool of myself.” “This meeting is a bad idea.”

Er, hello Mother Nature – thank you for over-estimating the threat, and if I was in the jungle, with my spear, amongst unfriendly natives, looking to catch aggressive, wild boar then you are doing a great job of keeping me vigilant and safe. But meeting my editor? Who must think I’m talented, otherwise why would she take me on? In a lovely part of London? With food and drink involved? THANKS BUT NO THANKS, THOSE THOUGHTS ARE NOT APPROPRIATE!

Fourthly – don’t project into the future, because the negativity bias LOVES this. You know that book release you have coming up, in two weeks? Don’t indulge in imagining everything that could go wrong. That you’ll get lots of bad reviews. People will hate the cover. Sales will be poor. It will mean the end of your whole career. You have no control over the future so why waste energy worrying about it? You know, by now, that Mother Nature has wired you to expect the worst. And how many times, in the past, have you worried about something yet it’s turned out fine? Mindfulness is a proven stress-buster and is all about concentrating just on the present moment. So don’t go back in time either. What’s done is done. Life moves on. Perceived failures, in the past, have no effect on your present (or future). Just concentrate on what you are doing right now, whether that is a new project or sending out another batch of submission letters. Projecting will only make you fearful and avoid new challenges.

Take my latest release, The New Beginnings Coffee Club. One storyline could be seen as controversial. If I’d focused on the bad reviews it might produce, or poor sales, I could have ducked out of meeting the challenge. As it is – touch wood – readers have loved that aspect of the story.

So don’t contemplate the negative “what ifs”. The chances are – whatever Mother Nature wants you to believe – they won’t happen.

Lastly – if you are going through a rough patch, being hard on yourself about your career or anything else, try writing a gratitude journal. I’ve been doing this for six months. Each night I write at least three things that I am grateful for. At first, when I was going through a rough patch, it seemed challenging but over time the process trains you to look for the positives and now I can easily list all kinds of things I am grateful for – a pleasant family evening, great weather, a good review. A productive day in the office, someone doing me a favour, an enjoyable phone call. It might sound silly, but buy yourself a lovely, new notebook and give it a go. We have Mother Nature to contend with here and she may not approve but my brain, for one, is now trained to look for the positives. These days my journal takes no time to fill in at all.

We all have miserable moments where we are hard on ourselves. Fed up with our lot. Feel like giving up. Just try to remember – mental health problems aside – this is partly a loss of perspective, due to our biological wiring. We just need to rewire and with a little practise that is possible.