In August 2016 I found myself sitting in an addiction clinic. This will probably be a shock to those who know me. It shocked me too. My drinking had grown from the weekend, to stretch across Thursday and Sunday. Then it was every night, any excuse. It softened a bad review and added sparkle to literary celebrations. But truth be told, the problem had been growing for years, way before I became an author. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia at university and recently my eating issues have returned. The rooms of AA are filled with people who’ve had – or have – eating disorders. The mental issues behind the behaviours are very similar.

Fear and denial kept me away from the doctor. I hadn’t lost my job yet, my family, not all my friends, my house, I wasn’t drinking twenty-four seven, I didn’t end up sleeping on the streets or in prison or sectioned… My problem wasn’t yet obvious.

But certain areas of my life and the mental distress were becoming unmanageable. I couldn’t face life with alcohol. I couldn’t face life without it.

When I finally went to my GP, back in February 2016, it initially proved difficult to get the expert treatment I needed. Eventually a counsellor directed me to the alcohol services for my area and for three months I had outpatient treatment – group therapy – at an addiction clinic where I was treated by hard-talking former addicts. Then I moved to recovery services for a further three months, where I learnt about mindfulness and wellbeing. I gave talks to children in High School about my drinking and eating problems. I trained for another three months to become a peer mentor to young people in addiction.

During those nine months I shared my story and listened to new friends talk about their addiction in the context of work, domestic abuse, prison life and homelessness.

People chat to each other about trying to cut down on unhealthy foods or stopping smoking, but you’ll rarely hear a conversation where one person says they are seriously worried about their alcohol habits – because there is such a stigma attached to regularly drinking too much. And yet many people are and as long as this fear of being truthful about our intake exists, hospital beds will continue to fill with people suffering from alcohol-related illnesses.

Society needs to be talking openly about it.

A considerable part of recovery is making alcoholics aware of the hurt we might have caused others. We won’t get better until we realise that no one is to blame for our drinking but ourselves. We need to face up to the consequences of what we’ve done – and that difficult process is what originally inspired my new novel.

Forgive Me Not isn’t my story. It is made up of characters who go on their own journeys. However it is written completely from the heart. From personal experience I know that saying sorry isn’t always enough.

I’ll never forget going into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time. I envisaged there would be old men in dirty macs, sitting on their hands longing for a drink. How wrong I was. It was full of warm, welcoming, happy people of all ages and backgrounds who wanted to share their joy of sobriety. I did the Twelve Step recovery programme with my wonderful sponsor.

AA isn’t for everyone, but it isn’t scary. The thought of going is. And it shouldn’t be. Alcohol abuse is a growing problem, particularly amongst people of my age who buy a bottle of wine to unwind at the end of the day. Society needs to reach a position where people can talk about their drinking habits without the fear of being judged.

I’m still Sam the wife, mum and author, who likes cats and writing and cake. That person, in real life and online, hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s helped no end, the last couple of years, to use social media to talk about the positive aspects of my life, whilst dealing with my demons away from the keyboard. Posting my inspirational memes probably helps me as much as anyone else. It’s only now that I feel strong enough to share my experience. I’ve faced my problem head on and stopped drinking. I’ve made amends where possible and it’s taken a while, but I’ve finally forgiven myself.

I’ve accepted that this is me.

More than ever I love my amazing husband and children whose unquestioning support has been a big part of the reason that I’m now eighteen months sober. I’m full of gratitude for the help given to me by them, friends, AA and professionals.

If any of you reading this are struggling with drink, get help now before things worsen – which they will. Go to your doctor. Speak to a relative or friend. Go to AA – the only qualification needed to attend is that you want to stop drinking but can’t. They won’t take your name or ask for personal details or write anything down. No one will tell you you’re an alcoholic – you’ll decide for yourself by listening to everyone else’s stories and seeing if you can relate to the feelings.

You won’t stand out as different. Alcoholics are ordinary people.

If you are worried about your own intake reach out and tell someone before the wine o’clock everyone jokes about turns into a ticking time bomb.

You may be an alcoholic. You may not.

But if you are, I’m getting better one day at a time.

So can you.

Next week I’ll be blogging about the mental health challenges I’ve faced over the last couple of years that brought about this new direction. I reached a point where I said to my agent I just don’t think I can write romantic comedy any more. It’s not in me. The spark has gone. Deep within I felt a seriousness, a weight, even though my mental health was improving. And a kind of clarity that something inside me had shifted and my writing needed to reflect that.

That’s the thing. Us authors write from the heart. I’ve passionately written all of those nine previous books but just didn’t have the same motivation as the weeks became months in 2017. It would have been impossible. Which is kind of ironic as I’d always thought of myself as a very commercially-minded author, but if you’d offered me a million pounds I couldn’t have come up with the goods.

However I did have an idea for a book with characters I could relate to. A mental health problem can create turmoil within a family – and with friends and sometimes the community, as is the case with the protagonist Emma in Forgive Me Not… before I knew it I’d sketched out character profiles and a plot.

But the story wasn’t funny. The main thrust of it wasn’t romantic. I wasn’t sure how my writing style would fit this new genre. I wasn’t sure if I was up to writing in a new way with no one-liners, nor a humorous tone. I didn’t know if my readers would follow me along my new path.

But I had to do it. So with the guidance of my incredible agent I started. And it was tough. The first draft virtually needed to be scratched and I almost gave up. But a writer’s heart is a powerful tool. It kept nudging me and eventually I began again with renewed passion.

It was a nerve-wracking process sending out the manuscript to editors and a particularly emotional moment came when I read the email in which my new editor, Michael Bhaskar, expressed his passion for, and belief in, my new project. With his expertise the manuscript was polished further. When I saw the fantastic cover the Canelo team created everything fell into place and I felt that this genre was where my work – at the moment anyway – should be.

Now the whole creative process for that story is over I can see that the new book is still “me”. I feel there’s an underlying warmth that is the signature of my previous books. And I’m absolutely thrilled with the early reactions I’ve had to Emma’s story. It’s early days but perhaps this is going to go okay!

So, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid to follow your heart. I’ve always believed that someone’s greatest achievements don’t come from the comfort zone and that an author must continually set themselves challenges. It is too easy to become complacent, especially if you find a degree of success. Although that doesn’t necessarily mean changing genre – for example, in One Summer In Rome a character is blind, and it took research and care to write their story. And my author friends and favourite writers never cease to amaze me with the innovative story after story they come up with.

It’s been a scary twelve months. I’m an author with bills to pay, it’s my career, and I have a lovely loyal readership for my comedy writing. One might say this change of direction is something of a risk. Yet I feel it’s too easy to become pigeon-holed as a writer. I recently attended an evening with Matt Haig who has written fiction, non-fiction, children’s stories… and I find that very inspiring. I’ve written many stories from a child’s point of view for The People’s Friend magazine and have often felt a hankering to write a novel for youngsters. And now I’m thinking well… why not?

Humans change over time – I’m not the same person I was twenty, ten, five or even two years ago – so it’s perhaps, naive, to expect our writing not to change as well.

It is up on NetGalley for those who’d like to request an early copy to review and will soon be up on retail platforms.

Meanwhile, here is the blurb to whet your appetite until it is published by Canelo on 23rd July! The story is set in Manchester.

Forgiveness can be hard to come by… An unputdownable new novel from bestseller Samantha Tonge

 How far would you go to make amends?

When Emma fled her home at Foxglove Farm, she’d let down and hurt those who cared for her most. But now, two years later, she’s ready to face up to her past; she’s ready to go back.

But Emma’s unannounced return causes more problems than she could have foreseen. The people she knew and loved aren’t ready to forget, let alone forgive. And the one person she wants to reconnect with the most, her mother, can’t remember who she is.

Just as Emma starts to rebuild trust, an uncovered family secret and a shocking past crime threaten her newly forged future…

Sometimes simply saying sorry isn’t enough.

Perfect for readers of Ruth Hogan or Amanda Prowse, this is an extraordinary and unforgettable novel about running away from yourself – and finding a way back.

My debut contemporary women’s fiction novel – Forgive Me Not – will be published 23rd July.

When Emma flees her home, Foxglove Farm, she has already let down everyone closest to her. Two years later, having lived on the streets and gone through rehab, she is back; back looking for forgiveness. But family secrets threaten everything. The truth has long been buried. And the only thing harder than saying sorry, is finding the willingness to forgive…

A second novel will follow February 2019.

I am so excited to share these stories, both of which are very close to my heart.

Michael Bhaskar, Publishing Director at Canelo said ‘Samantha’s books have long been on our radar at Canelo. She is quite simply a superb writer and in this novel, an extraordinary departure, she takes her writing to a new level. Impactful, unforgettable and deeply moving, Forgive Me Not will blow readers away. We can’t wait to work with her on this’.

Read the full press release here!