For over 30 years now I’ve suffered on, and off, with eating disorder issues and these eventually led to a drink problem. At times I’ve felt on top of the world when I’ve been most ill, certainly with the anorexic aspects. I wanted to be thin. I got thin. Mission accomplished. The trouble is, as with any ambition, the goalposts always move.  You’ve got a few pounds you’d like to lose. Getting into that size 12 is great. But perhaps you then decide a size 10 is better, and so on. Like being an author… you get published. Get into the top #100 on Kindle. Next time you want to get into the top #50. Then the top #10. You want foreign deals. You want awards. Your goals move so far away from your original one of simply wanting to see your book out there.

Like the anorexic who looks in the mirror and views themselves as overweight, an author who’s doing SO well can often see themselves as a failure, compared to their contemporaries, perhaps, or when that person at a dinner party asks if they’re earning as much as J K Rowling.

In 2016 I got sober and yes, I felt fantastic and still do on one of my many good days – but, unexpectedly, sobriety brought problems I never foresaw. Relationships changed – I wasn’t the same person. I lost friends. Instead of escaping into a glass of wine I now have to face my problems and triggers head on and deal with them – and deal with the fallout from doing that.

It’s like getting published – you think signing that first contract and stopping the gruelling submission process marks the end of a long and winding, difficult road, and it does, it’s amazing. But, like stopping drinking, it also heralds the beginning of another challenging journey. There are many wonderful moments ahead but negative ones can temper them – bad reviews, poor sales due to reasons out of of your control, deadlines that are stressful to meet.

During lockdown I had the best mental health I’d had for years, not the experience for a lot of people – and it’s taken a few steps backwards since coming out of the pandemic and having to once again face the stresses of modern life. It’s frustrating to return to a position I thought I’d left behind forever. Having longed for freedom when Covid restrictions went on and on, it’s been unexpected.

But it is what it is. I am what I am.

Never let people diminish the way you feel because the way they see you doesn’t reflect your inner world. Those who’ll say “But at least…” They think they’re helping but those words don’t reflect true empathy as they don’t acknowledge that you have valid reasons for finding your situation tough.

A slim person can have a problem with food or body image. A sober person doesn’t always find life 100% easier than before. A person who’s been in lockdown is allowed to find returning to their former unrestricted life challenging. An author who’s had success does have the right to sometimes feel down about their career.

There are no rules. 

One thing I firmly believe is…

Peaks and troughs are part of life. Happiness and unhappiness are part of life. Reaching a peak makes us happy in a way it wouldn’t if we were happy all the time. And the passing of time teaches us that a trough will always end, just as it has before.

But if your trough is so deep you can’t see a way out, TALK TO SOMEONE. That’s what I did in 2016 and I’ve never regretted it. Most of the time I love life now and I love my career. I accept the peaks and troughs and am more successful at not allowing other people to define anything about me. As is said in AA, anyone else’s view of you is none of your business.

Often bulimics or binge-eaters aren’t seen as *ill enough* to warrant medical  help, due to their BMI being classed as normal – due to a tick in a box. And yet the mortality rates amongst those suffering with eating disorders is higher than for any other mental illness. Whatever your challenges are, be them struggles on the personal front or with your job, always remember they are valid and you deserve the help to get better.

If you’re struggling why not choose this week to reach out?

At first the usual thoughts went through my head:

It’s not fair.

Poor me.

What’s the point?

I may as well stop writing.

Everyone else is having an easier time.

The world is against me.

Ridiculous really. I’m in a great place at the moment, with a fantastic agent and brilliant publisher, writing two genres that I absolutely love – and with Knowing You recently out, a book I’m very proud of, receiving wonderful reviews. But oh yes, I had a full-on pity party. Despite all the mindfulness and Buddhism I’ve learnt about over the last couple of years, I still have meltdowns now and again – I’m only human. The difference is I pull myself out of them quicker. NetFlix and chocolate help.

And another aid to recovery is to look back on previous disappointments and see how I’ve got over them and this acts as a huge pick-me-up.

In fact I’ve listed a few here – to show those of you currently in the doldrums that things do change and move forwards. The troughs don’t last forever, even thought they feel interminable at the time.

Years of rejections.

It took me six years to get my first agent. I’ve got a folder of 80 rejections. During those years I swore I’d give up writing, it wasn’t worth the tears. In fact my young kids offered to publish me when they grew up. I’m still holding them to that, even though they are now at uni, in case my career nosedives! But yes, tough times – but I just kept going, writing and sending my work out there and eventually got to sign on a dotted line.

Up and down sales

My debut, Doubting Abbey, was a bestselling Christmas book December 2013. I even had interest from a Hollywood film producer! I thought that was it. I’d made it. All my books would continue with this success. But then the sequel From Paris with Love came out. The reviews were great and it did reach #600 in the AmazonUK charts, but it didn’t reach the dizzy heights of its predecessor. With a sharp shock I realised complacency was not going to be allowed to feature in my career.

In 2015 Game of Scones, got to #5 in the kindle chart, won the 2015 Love Stories Awards Best Romantic Ebook category and has sold 100,000 copies. The following two books didn’t sell as well. But then my summer 2016 book Breakfast Under a Cornish Sun got to #5 as well.

So for many authors there will be ups and downs along the way and after having 11 books published I realise that, and it helps me now if there are sales disappointments – who knows what is around the corner. I always say an author is only as good as their next book and this excites me and pushes me forwards. And I imagine that is the same excitement felt by agents and publishers when going through their submission pile. There are always endless possibilities. Who knows what your writing brain will come up with next?

Lack of understanding of the industry from bystanders

And it isn’t their fault. I don’t know much about any other sort of career so why should I assume bystanders understand how mine works? Indeed, before I started writing I linked a successful author career with red carpets and mansions with swimming pools. However once you’re in the thick of it, you realise what a tough career it is and the photo below reveals how unglamorous the day to day can be! It can be frustrating when yet another person asks if your life is like J K Rowling’s (I had that just last week). Or they question whether an ebook is a “real” book, or they dismiss your success if you aren’t currently in every single bookstore in the land.

Over time I’ve learned to distance myself from this and accept that the general view of what it’s like to be an author isn’t likely to change – and I’ve been lucky, most people who know about my job have been nothing but supportive. I’ve also found that joining online author groups helps immensely as you quickly realise most writers, at whatever stage, whatever their deal, to one extent or another, are going through the same problems and one of those is facing this very issue.

Rating yourself

It’s a tough one, not comparing yourself to other authors, and it’s hard to remember that us writers are not pitted against each other (even though rankings might make it seem as if we are). Over the last couple of years I’ve had counselling for eating disorder issues that have raised their head again, after 30 years. My counsellor said it was ironic that I’d chosen a career where I am being rated the whole time – Amazon rankings, reviews – as anorexics/bulimics are continually rating themselves too. And yes, it is something I struggle with. But mindfulness and Buddhism remind me to focus on my own journey. That’s what Olympian coaches do. They tell their athletes the only person they are competing against is themselves and their last personal best.

So you aren’t alone. Stop being hard on yourself. Be a little kinder to self. Sounds naff, doesn’t it? But it’s so important. Look back at your positives – an encouraging rejection, a lovely review. You are all amazing just for putting your hearts on the line and getting your words out into the public arena.

It is hard. I feel as if I am soldiering on at the moment. It’s not a 9 – 5 job that you can leave at the office. It’s can be in your thoughts 24/7. And for that reason it can sometimes feel as if you’ve been in the industry for a life-time.

So you must also take a time-check. For example I’ve had 11 books published but that has happened within only 5 1/2 years. I’m still in the early stages of my career, from many points of view. I need to remember that and remind myself of how long it takes, in other professions, to become fully trained and reach your goals.

The ups are followed by downs and the downs are always followed by ups – this is true of any personal or professional life. So to keep sane, try not to attach to either as both will pass.

I also try to remind myself that many women of my mother’s generation didn’t have a chance to follow a career. The problems I am having would have been problems they’d have love to have had. So I remind myself to be grateful

Come and say hello to me on Twitter @SamTongeWriter if you’re having a challenging time.

We’re all in this together

However, some still lurk in the shadows, flexing their fork in my direction and things came to a head, recently, when I was shortlisted for the prestigious Romantic Novelist Awards  – a huge honour. Indeed, when I first heard I’d been nominated in the romcom category for my 2018 romance One Summer In Rome  I was absolutely ecstatic… but the evening itself presented a huge challenge to someone like myself with a history of  body dysmorphic issues.

The thought of being in any way the centre of attention and – abject horror – having professional photos taken, filled me with dread. As did the challenge of finding a suitable outfit – something I imagine many of the nominees can relate to.

But with the support of my husband, and the company of my wonderful and understanding agent, Clare Wallace from Darley Anderson, not only did I get there – I thoroughly enjoyed the event. After I’d said hello to a few people my anxiety started to slip away and much chat and laughter took place. And I now feel more brave about attending any such event in the future.

At the beginning of my writing journey none of this was a problem and I enjoyed many author get-togethers, seeing them as nothing but fun and important for my career. But then my mental health took a downturn, brought back some issues from thirty years ago and I am still fighting them – and am determined to get back to where I was before, seeing every invitation to a launch or blogger get-together or publishing party for what it should be… an exciting and enjoyable aspect of the business I am in.

When the official  photo came in I got control of the self-critical thoughts and forced myself to post the image online.  And this is what CBT therapy is all about – facing your fears. The more you do the thing you are afraid of, the more you can accept that your concerns are unfounded.

Yes it’s hard. Scary. Especially when others may not understand your concern over something that appears trivial or irrational to them, particularly if you’ve become good at putting on a cheerful veneer. But the feeling of achievement you’ll get, if you push yourself, is second to none.

It’s not easy being a woman – or man, for that matter – in today’s society. Some of us may feel we have to have great jobs. Be brill parents or children. Perfect partners. That we’re supposed to look like celebrities and gain hundreds of likes on social media. And this is an area I explore in my  new novel Knowing You, that was published yesterday. Violet works in publishing and due to an upset in her private life starts to question just how successful an editor – and woman – she is. And this leads to a shocking twist at the end. I’m thrilled with the fantastic reviews coming in and humbled to see that her story is resonating with readers…

So if you’re struggling at the moment, mental health wise, and CBT therapy is an option, I would definitely recommend it.

You can do this.

Or if you are simply nervous about taking the plunge in certain areas of your life, go for it. Afraid you will get rejected if you send out that submission? There’s only one way to find out. Anxious about joining that book club you’ve been invited to? Go ahead. Without a doubt every member will have felt like that on their first night.

Whatever your fear is, there is only one true way to tackle it.

And that’s to stare it straight in the face.

One – my debut being published didn’t change my life to fit my fantasies. My book wasn’t turned into a movie. Brad Pitt didn’t star. I wasn’t invited onto Graham Norton’s sofa. I didn’t turn into a glamour puss or overnight become the owner of a Porsche.

The fulfilment came in different ways – a lovely review. Interest from family and friends. Support from the wonderful writing community. I soon realised it’s these immaterial things that mean so much.

Two – The release of each book (I’ve had ten published now) is just as terrifying and exhilarating as the last. Five years on and I realise that however well a novel does, you are only as good as your next book so that means you are always nervous about the publication of something new.

Three – it’s really hard work promoting a book. I never realised quite how much an author had to do, especially if they don’t have a PR person on hand to help. My first publisher gave me an information pack that gave guidelines and before I knew it I was tweeting, had a Facebook author  page, was on Pinterest and Goodreads, I ran a blog…

I’m lucky. I enjoy social media greatly but even I find it challenging at times and whilst it wasn’t to blame, it didn’t help the mental health problems I faced in 2016 (I talk about those here).

Four – I discovered that special breed The Blogger! Bloggers are amazing. Generous. Efficient. Supportive. They offer up their time, for free, to help promote and review books. And they are the loveliest people.

Five – I thought that after releasing many books some of the inner excitement might have worn off but I still get the same, huge kick from seeing my sales rank rise on Amazon or reading a great review. I was beside myself with excitement when I saw the cover for my new women’s fiction story Forgive Me Not. Those things never cease to thrill me.

Six –  I never predicted how being published would feed into the eating disorder issues I’d had for years. I guess, looking back, it’s obvious. It’s hard not to see yourself as a brand and with that comes expectations. I’m still striving to separate Sam the person from Samantha Tonge author. I try to see the ups and downs of my career as a professional journey that doesn’t reflect the worth or success of me. I blog about my tips for good authorly mental health here.

Seven – publishers are businesses. I don’t think that sank in before I got published. This means many things such as… they will have favourite authors and the chances are it may not be you! But that’s favourite in terms of who they think will sell. If an editor acquires you, have no doubt, it means they think your writing is the bees knees. They may just have other authors whose work is more commercial and hooky and will bring in more income.

Eight – It’s consolidated who I think I am in a way I didn’t expect. I know my destiny now – what it always was and where it’s going. I know. That sounds a little precious. But it’s true. I felt a degree of that before publication, but signing that deal and –  more specifically – finally getting readers and their feedback has made me one hundred percent sure.

Nine – I still feel like giving up sometimes. I thought that would stop once I was published, but it doesn’t. Getting a book deal is fabulous but it does present you with a different set of problems. I’ve had ups and downs, successes and disappointments. I remember seeing an Olympian interviewed who’d won Gold the previous season and she was asked how fantastic that must have felt. Her response was fairly muted – yes, it was great, but winning brings expectations. And that’s how I feel but I try to remember that mostly those expectations are from me, my perfectionist side, and I need to keep them boxed up.

Ten – Whilst I do occasionally feel like giving up, I never forget how amazingly lucky I am to be doing a job I love and to leave a legacy behind, even if it is just a few thousand words! I still remember the pain of agent rejections and having to ditch yet another project and not forgetting this gives me perspective when a problem with my career rears its head.

There are worse problems to have

I’m exceptionally grateful for the treatment and support I’ve had. During the process of recovery I’ve learnt a lot about how to cope with the stresses and strains of modern life, thanks to group therapy, counselling, AA, Buddhism and mindfulness.

A large positive is that I’m now learning to deal – it’s still a work in progress – much better with my career as an author. So, fellow writers, here are my top tips for keeping yourself safe from poor mental health.

Firstly manage your expectations. Before I got published I used to dream about signing a movie deal and would imagine myself on a red carpet. If you do this you’re setting yourself up for failure. Film rights sell but the movie you fantasise about rarely comes to fruition. So don’t start off by coveting the success of the biggest bestselling authors. Just finishing  a manuscript is a huge achievement, let alone getting it published. Take your career step by step – it’s a cliche but I visualise mine as a ladder. You eventually bag an agent. Or a publisher. Perhaps both. Your first book is out. Then your second. Then another. Perhaps one or more of your books appear in foreign languages or audio format. You gain a bestseller flag on Amazon. Maybe you win an award.

But none of this is going to happen at once. It’s a long road to writerly success punctuated with disappointments – they are part of the journey. Never forget to appreciate the small things. A positive rejection letter. A good review. A lovely book cover. That was one of my problems before – I was always chasing the bigger picture. I work hard at not doing that now and feel much happier and fulfilled.

Secondly – realise your work is not you. What I mean by this is… if you get a bad review, never forget that is someone’s opinion of your writing, NOT YOU AS A PERSON.  If one of my books sank in the charts, for example, I used to tell myself I had failed. And that led me to seek unhelpful coping mechanisms to make myself feel better, such as drinking or eating junk food.

Nowadays I distance myself and whilst my writing is my vocation, my lifeblood, I try to be more clinical and objective about certain aspects.

And don’t obsess over reviews or rankings. Limit how often you go into Goodreads or onto Amazon.

Thirdly – don’t get carried away with the branding. I used to love promoting my romantic comedies and was a real kittens and cupcakes kind of author. But then, when my mental health became poor, this became tough. I didn’t feel I could talk about the challenges I was facing as they didn’t match that image. An image that was the real me but, as my health failed, didn’t represent the whole. So my advice – some may disagree – is that whilst branding is very important it mustn’t have the final say on how you use social media.

Fourthly – one of the gift’s from AA is the  mantra “Accept the things you cannot change” In the past I used to stew about the what ifs, and if onlys. What’s the point? Now I’ll simply shrug my shoulders – it’s not always easy – and say to myself “It is what it is”. This is extremely liberating and gets rid of the pent up frustration.

This ties into mindfulness – focusing on the present. Had a bad review yesterday? No matter. It’s been and gone. Worried about next week’s book signing? No point. It will be what it will be. Getting anxious and projecting into the future won’t change that. You haven’t got a crystal ball. Don’t fool yourself that you have.

Lastly and on personal note as someone recovering from alcoholism and eating disorders, keep an eye on your drinking and food habits. Alcohol is a big part of the publishing industry. Wine o’clock. Prosecco parties. Boozy book launches. Drinking in moderation, in a social setting is one thing – but drinking to change the way you feel is quite another. If that’s what you are doing you need to see this as a warning sign. I used to drink to further boost the great feeling of a good ranking. Or to make myself feel chirpier after a poor review. Slowly, insidiously this escalated and before I knew it I could find any excuse.

If you do anything – drinking, eating, shopping, gambling – to give yourself a boost, to take the edge off a disappointment, to relax yourself after a busy day, then you are doing it to change the way you feel and need to step back before it becomes addictive and out of control.

Find different, healthier coping mechanisms. Go for a walk. Meet a friend for a chat. Have a candle-lit bath. Learn to meditate.

I love my career and feel blessed to have had so many novels published, to have had bestellers. My writing hasn’t been to blame for my problems. Nothing – no one – is to blame but myself and the way I’ve dealt with challenges. But do yourself a favour and bear these tips in mind. Being an author is a wonderful thing if you have the right tools to deal with the rollercoaster ride.