During one session in recovery services I was asked to think of something in my life that I’d achieved – and then to analyse how I’d done that. It could be anything that had taken work and time – passing an exam, frequently getting out of the house whilst feeling depressed, saving to buy house, leaving an abusive marriage… the discussion amongst the group was very interesting.

For me I thought about getting published and as I spoke the parallels between that process and getting sober appeared.

It took me eight years to get a deal. During that time I got rejection after rejection. But I picked myself up after the initial tears and kept on writing and submitting my manuscripts.

And during the first few weeks of being in addiction services I kept on stopping drinking – but slipping again. So I tried again. And again.

I remember similar senses of entitlement. When I sent off my first ever manuscript I was upset but also kind of baffled that I received a rejection… I thought that completing a novel was amazing enough to gain a publisher! In the same way, I thought it was enough to finally take the plunge and get into addiction services. I expected the group sessions to magically get me sober; that I was kind of owed that recovery in the same way I’d thought, all those years ago, that I was owed a publishing deal.

Then it hit me about six weeks into treatment: I was going to have to do this myself – albeit with the facilitators’ advice. And I was going to have to work bloody hard at it – just like the writing. No one else would write and polish and submit my novels. It was important to learn my craft and take advice form other authors and How To books etc etc… but, ultimately, it was going to be down to me.

There were big hurdles along the way to achieving both my goals of being published and staying sober. An agent chased me at one point but, ultimately, told me to move on, they were no longer interested. And, three months into recovery, I relapsed. Both of these set-backs were hard and getting through the first helped with the second. Trying to get published had taught me there was no point in pity parties. All I could do was pick myself up and carry on working towards my goal.

That’s the key. Taking it one day at a time. If I’d thought ahead when I’d first started writing, and considered that it might take me YEARS to get a deal, I wonder if I’d have carried on. And when I first went into addiction services would I have stayed there if I’d known about the day to day, month to month, year to year, challenges ahead?

Because it has been hard. The first half of this year was very wobbly for my recovery. But I got through it, one day at a time, not thinking about the future, not thinking about the past.

A therapist suggested I write a positivity diary to help with my mental health issues. Each day I was told to write down a couple of good things about myself. It was hard at first but, over time, it helped change my low opinion of myself. So if you are struggling to get published, do the same to make yourself realise that you ARE  progressing. Perhaps today you finished a difficult chapter or took another rejection on the chin. Write that down. Or keep a daily word count, however big or small. It’s the sum of all these very important little things that, in time, will help you achieve the bigger ones.

Of course, one can never get complacent. Even though I’m about to have my 12th novel The Christmas Calendar Girls published, I am only ever one breath away from a potentially bad review or a downturn in sales. Even though I am 1000 days sober I am only one breath away from relapsing again. The working hard and learning must never stop.

Good luck with your goals. Forget the what ifs and if onlys. Focus on what you are doing and achieving in the present moment and that will be all the magic you need to get there

His song, I’m Still Standing, makes complete sense to me now – on a personal level, but also with regards to my career.

Aspiring and published authors, from time to time, consider giving up.  I certainly have. It’s a roller coaster of a career (an overused phrase but true), what with the highs and lows that come with Amazon rankings, reviews, rejections, lost and gained contracts, and awards. And due to the rise of ebooks, more publishing avenues and great quality self-publishing, it is more competitive than ever.

Like many addicts, Elton’s behaviours were driven by a sense of not feeling loved – of not being good enough. And certainly the latter plagues me when it comes to my career. Therapy, as part of my treatment, made me realise I wasn’t just aiming to be the best author Sam Tonge could be – I was struggling to be THE BEST AUTHOR EVER. A goal I was never going to score.

It’s got me thinking – after everything that’s happened in my life over recent years, why am I still standing here, as an author? Because whilst it didn’t cause my personal problems, the pressures and expectations (admittedly some of them self-imposed) certainly didn’t help.

Apart from that innate drive in me to write and to want to write, I’ve managed to pinpoint three things that have helped me navigate the hard times.

Surrounding myself with the right people

This is CRUCIAL – speaking as an addict and an artist. It’s really important to surround yourself with people who believe in you…especially when you don’t. And if there is someone in your life who doesn’t fit this remit, you need to ask yourself why you are letting them in. Distance yourself from negativity. And people who make you feel as if you’re a failure – in any way. You don’t have anything to prove to ANYONE, except your conscience and yourself.

I currently belong to a great writing group online. Sure, we moan – that’s important, we all need to air disappointments and gain reassurance from realising we aren’t the only one going through difficult times. But the group is also full of positivity and camaraderie.

The Romantic Novelists Association offers a friendly, helping hand to aspiring and published authors alike.

Over the years I’ve also accumulated wonderful writer, reader and blogger friends whose interest and encouragement keep  me going, probably without them even realising it.

An agent that suits you is also so important. Mine, Clare Wallace from the Darley Anderson Agency, has offered incredible support since I signed with her. She’s helped me keep perspective. Lets me know when I’m being overly negative (that’s important). She’s helped me keep an eye on the long-term so that any current difficulties don’t end up being catastrophised. And Clare is approachable. For me that’s the single most important quality an agent can have. If I’m worried about anything, however small, or on a downer about something that might appear to be minor or irrational to anyone else, it’s important for me to feel I can express that.

I’ve been fortunate with my agents and publishers – but if you have a publisher, agent, writing friend, anyone who is making you feel that you aren’t good enough, you need to have a long think about why they are in your life and whether that needs to change.

Maybe you don’t need to give up being an author. Maybe you just need to give up certain aspects of your writing career, and gain new ones.

Flexibility 

The photo below shows the first novel I wrote after getting sober.

I didn’t have it in me, at the time, to write another romcom. I’d had nine published but just couldn’t create more comedy after the gruelling process of getting treatment. Now and then I considered giving up my career altogether. However instead I mooted to my agent the idea of writing dark women’s fiction. She was super supportive and so I wrote Forgive Me Not – the story of a recovering alcoholic who goes home to make amends.

And now, a couple of years on, and most unexpectedly, I’ve found myself writing romcom again  and I’ve just signed a new contract, with a new publisher, Aria Fiction, and have a Christmas one coming out in October!

So sometimes, it might not be that you need to give up – simply changing direction might make you feel differently.

For example years ago, before my first agent and deal – I’d felt like giving up as my novels were being subbed and getting nowhere. But instead of giving up I started writing short stories for women’s magazines. I sold nearly 100 in the end and this massively boosted my confidence and helped me, I’m sure, finally get that novel publishing deal.

Authenticity

Being true to yourself – sounds naff, doesn’t it? But it’s a major part of recovery and, in my opinion, a crucial tool for coping with difficult times during a writing career. When my problems were at their worst, in 2016, they were also secret. I put on a front. I doubt many people looked at me, the author, and thought I had alcohol issues and eating problems. In fact, I know that’s the case due to the surprise people have expressed since I’ve been open.

I was bright and breezy. And it became a huge strain. I felt as if I had this persona to live up to. As if I were leading a double life. And that’s when life started to feel impossible.  I am a bright and breezy person but it’s not the whole me and it’s felt like a massive relief, since getting treatment, to share more sides of my personality and not just one.

So, for me, it’s been very important to put my heart and myself into my brand. I blog about mental health now. I tweet about sobriety and eating issues. And still all the other things like the baking I love and movies – but the picture is fuller now. And if I’m having a bad day, Twitter might know about it! And that’s fine. It’s real. Not having to put on a front helps when times get tough.

So if you are thinking about your brand my advice would be (and it sounds obvious) make it ABOUT YOU. Don’t tweet motivational quotes, for example, (I love them!) or pictures of cake if they aren’t really your thing and you just think doing so will get you followers – tweet about your own passions instead. And having a tough day? There are plenty of suitable gifs around to express that and no doubt many people will relate!

This way you won’t feel you have anything “to live up to”.

Just keep it real.

Having said all of this…

Don’t automatically dismiss your desire to give up

Yes, I am still standing, when it comes to being an author. But, perhaps, one day, that won’t be the right thing to do. Giving up your career or aspirations doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Failing would have been not to try in the first place. Yes, I’d love a movie deal for one of my books. I don’t imagine that will ever happen! But at least I’ve tried.

I still have the odd day when I want to give up. Sometimes the social media work seems overwhelming. It’s hard not to compare yourself to other authors and wonder why Hollywood hasn’t come knocking. A bad review can make you question your talent. My eating disorder issues still rear they head, especially when I take an author photo. Being “out there” as an author can be challenging from that point of view.

Yet there are so many aspects of my career I absolutely love. The writing itself. The fact I feel as if it’s what I was born to do and I’m fulfilling my destiny. And I enjoy meeting so many amazing readers and bloggers on social media. People telling my my stories have, in some small way, had an impact on their lives. I love the generosity and humour of fellow writers. I feel enormous pride about the books I’ve had published. I have a sense of achievement.

But life is not just about one career – there are other ones out there to bring in money and a sense of personal satisfaction.  Life is also about people. Travel. Hobbies.

Giving up doesn’t mean something has been lost. It just means you’ve gained experience, learnt about yourself and now, perhaps, it’s time to try something new.

You are still you. At the core. The person close ones love. That’s what matters.

Regardless of whether your manuscripts stay under the bed, or you are the next JK Rowling, you are still good enough.

“This year I will get published.”

“This year I’ll stop drinking.”

Over the years I’ve pledged to reach career heights or sort out all my mental health issues within the space of twelve months.

And every time I’ve failed to reach my set goal. Is it any wonder?

I’d advise you to look carefully at any resolution you make and give it a good edit. Pare it down to the minimum – otherwise you are going to end up disheartened and disappointed.

Let’s take my example of pledging to get published. For a number of years I vowed I would accomplish this but it’s impossible. It didn’t matter how hard I worked, so much of achieving that target is out of an author’s control. Your manuscript has to fall into the hands of the right agent and publisher, and for commercial fiction it has to be suited to the market and your writing needs to be at the top of your game…

So, in time, I learned to make my writing resolutions more realistic. For example “This year I will polish my manuscript and send it out to ten agents” or “This year I will enter some writing competitions and if I can save enough money pay have an editorial report done on my current work-in-progress.” There are many steps to getting published and it is far more satisfying, as time passes, to tick off each one as you accomplish it. Appreciating the journey and looking at it as a series of smaller parts will make it far more likely you’ll reach that ultimate destination.

And this applies once you have signed your first publishing contract. Hands up, secretly I still covet that film deal and stroll down the red carpet. But if I made that my New Year’s resolution, the likelihood is I’m going to feel like a massive failure by the end of the year when I haven’t cast Jason Momoa in the lead of my latest novel or been interviewed on Graham Norton’s sofa!

My resolutions to stop drinking were also unrealistic. Like publishing, the journey to sobriety is made up of many steps. But I’d try in one giant leap and just stop point blank without changing any other aspect of my life. Of course, I would fall off the wagon by the end of January (or often its first week) and feel like a complete loser. Addiction services and AA helped me to refine and edit my goals.

For example, I had quirky routines around my drinking and one was that I’d never allow myself to start before 6.40pm. So a first step – a first resolution, a first small change – was to break this habit by going for a coffee, having a bath, cooking or taking up a hobby at that specific time each day, instead. And doing this was the first step to stopping drinking all together. Each day I managed this, it inspired me to continue my journey.

So go and edit your resolution. Step back from the bigger picture. Analyse exactly what it is you really need to do, to reach your ultimate target. For example to you need to lose two stone? Perhaps resolve to cut out snacks and get off the bus one stop early to walk, as a starting point, instead of embarking on a crash diet.

The photo below is of a writer who’s had highs and lows but has learnt to appreciate ALL the special moments along the way, big or small, such as great reader feedback, foreign rights sales or simply an editor’s enthusiasm. It’s also of a woman who this week turned two years sober. Oh I slipped after three months, and picked up again – that taught me a lot. And I still have days where I want to drown my problems in a bottle of wine. But I don’t. I continue to pursue my goal, one day and one task at a time, relishing the smaller milestones and victories that keep pushing me forwards to living my dream.

And – most importantly of all –  I don’t beat myself if I fail at the target I’ve set myself.

As Nelson Mandela once said:

“I never lose. I either win or learn.”

Here are the most stand-out elements of the knowledge I’ve gained.

There is no such thing as normal – you will often hear someone with poor mental health enviously say they wish they were normal. It’s a false aspiration because every person has their story behind the scenes. Normality cannot be defined and therefore doesn’t exist. A better word to use is “ordinary”. And ordinary life it one to be valued where the small things matter like a beautiful sunrise or kind gesture.  One key to good mental health is learning to be satisfied with the great things you’ve already got that you may be overlooking; and realising you don’t need to chase the high life to be happy.

Mother Nature has wired us think negatively –  to protect us from taking risks. Once you recognise this you are given the power to understand your negative thinking and dismiss it. So try to identify those voices that are holding you back; telling you to be afraid of trying something new – telling you that you won’t be any good. Mother Nature was right to make us wary when we went hunting – but it’s less relevant if it’s about contacting a potential agent or going on a first date.

Other types of negative thinking can be disarmed once they see them for what they are. For example mindreading – thinking  you know what other people are thinking. Say a friend walks down the street and ignores you, an immediate assumption might be that you’ve done something wrong and your self-esteem plummets. The thing is, you don’t have a crystal ball and don’t know the truth. Perhaps your friend didn’t see you or is simply having a bad day. And try not to label yourself. “I’m a bad person”. And ditch black and white thinking, like “I never get things right”. You’re human. Sometimes you will make mistakes. This doesn’t define you.

Mindfulness has taught me to live in the present and this helps mental health enormously. You can’t change the past so don’t let it fester. You can’t predict the future so there’s no point thinking about it. Took a bad interview yesterday? It’s over. Move on. Convinced you’ll fail the one tomorrow. You don’t know that so there is no point worrying. All of this seems very easy to say, but from personal experience I know that it really is possible, over time, to retrain your mind.

Buddhism has taught me not to attach to the good or bad times. A spate of great book reviews? Enjoy but it may not last. A poor sales ranking? That won’t last forever either. Any career – like life – enjoys peaks and suffers troughs. Buddhism has made me realise that attachment – to anything – brings expectations and that can lead to disappointment, feeling like a failure and low self-esteem if things don’t go to plan. I find it’s much healthier if I accept that life – health, careers, relationships – is fluid and ever-changing. This is especially useful if I suffer a set-back. I now have the perspective to look back and see the proof that terrible things may happen but life does move forwards again, eventually.

Talking really is good – for years I hid my eating disorder issues and later my problems with alcohol. I ended up feeling as if I was leading a double life. People have said I’m brave for coming out about my poor mental health but, to be honest, it just feels like a massive relief. And it’s been humbling, since speaking publicly, how many people have contacted me privately to share their problems. It’s worrying, as well, that they feel they have to hide their conditions. We wouldn’t hide an arthritic hand or sickness bug. We shouldn’t have to hide illnesses of the mind.

I learnt that treatment can be hard to get. I wasn’t at the end of the alcoholic spectrum, drinking 24/7 and needing a detox, and therefore my path wasn’t straightforward. Alcohol services have been cut and certainly in my locality funding for patients not as far into addiction has been lost. And it’s also a well-documented fact that nationally the treatment available for eating disorder sufferers is dismal, even though out of all mental illnesses it’s the one with the highest suicide rate…

BUT

I feel positive about the future – finally people are being more open. Talking about poor mental health is the only way we can get rid of stigma and save lives. It’s the only way governments will realise more needs to be done. And that’s one reason I’m so glad my new novel, Forgive Me Not, is getting into the hands of readers. I hope it offers an insight into addiction and the related mental health issues.

So if you’re going through a difficult time, don’t be ashamed of feeling down. Statistics prove you are far from alone. Open up. Tell someone. And begin your journey to getting better.

In August 2016 I found myself sitting in an addiction clinic. This will probably be a shock to those who know me. It shocked me too. My drinking had grown from the weekend, to stretch across Thursday and Sunday. Then it was every night, any excuse. It softened a bad review and added sparkle to literary celebrations. But truth be told, the problem had been growing for years, way before I became an author. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia at university and recently my eating issues have returned. The rooms of AA are filled with people who’ve had – or have – eating disorders. The mental issues behind the behaviours are very similar.

Fear and denial kept me away from the doctor. I hadn’t lost my job yet, my family, not all my friends, my house, I wasn’t drinking twenty-four seven, I didn’t end up sleeping on the streets or in prison or sectioned… My problem wasn’t yet obvious.

But certain areas of my life and the mental distress were becoming unmanageable. I couldn’t face life with alcohol. I couldn’t face life without it.

When I finally went to my GP, back in February 2016, it initially proved difficult to get the expert treatment I needed. Eventually a counsellor directed me to the alcohol services for my area and for three months I had outpatient treatment – group therapy – at an addiction clinic where I was treated by hard-talking former addicts. Then I moved to recovery services for a further three months, where I learnt about mindfulness and wellbeing. I gave talks to children in High School about my drinking and eating problems. I trained for another three months to become a peer mentor to young people in addiction.

During those nine months I shared my story and listened to new friends talk about their addiction in the context of work, domestic abuse, prison life and homelessness.

People chat to each other about trying to cut down on unhealthy foods or stopping smoking, but you’ll rarely hear a conversation where one person says they are seriously worried about their alcohol habits – because there is such a stigma attached to regularly drinking too much. And yet many people are and as long as this fear of being truthful about our intake exists, hospital beds will continue to fill with people suffering from alcohol-related illnesses.

Society needs to be talking openly about it.

A considerable part of recovery is making alcoholics aware of the hurt we might have caused others. We won’t get better until we realise that no one is to blame for our drinking but ourselves. We need to face up to the consequences of what we’ve done – and that difficult process is what originally inspired my new novel.

Forgive Me Not isn’t my story. It is made up of characters who go on their own journeys. However it is written completely from the heart. From personal experience I know that saying sorry isn’t always enough.

I’ll never forget going into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time. I envisaged there would be old men in dirty macs, sitting on their hands longing for a drink. How wrong I was. It was full of warm, welcoming, happy people of all ages and backgrounds who wanted to share their joy of sobriety. I did the Twelve Step recovery programme with my wonderful sponsor.

AA isn’t for everyone, but it isn’t scary. The thought of going is. And it shouldn’t be. Alcohol abuse is a growing problem, particularly amongst people of my age who buy a bottle of wine to unwind at the end of the day. Society needs to reach a position where people can talk about their drinking habits without the fear of being judged.

I’m still Sam the wife, mum and author, who likes cats and writing and cake. That person, in real life and online, hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s helped no end, the last couple of years, to use social media to talk about the positive aspects of my life, whilst dealing with my demons away from the keyboard. Posting my inspirational memes probably helps me as much as anyone else. It’s only now that I feel strong enough to share my experience. I’ve faced my problem head on and stopped drinking. I’ve made amends where possible and it’s taken a while, but I’ve finally forgiven myself.

I’ve accepted that this is me.

More than ever I love my amazing husband and children whose unquestioning support has been a big part of the reason that I’m now eighteen months sober. I’m full of gratitude for the help given to me by them, friends, AA and professionals.

If any of you reading this are struggling with drink, get help now before things worsen – which they will. Go to your doctor. Speak to a relative or friend. Go to AA – the only qualification needed to attend is that you want to stop drinking but can’t. They won’t take your name or ask for personal details or write anything down. No one will tell you you’re an alcoholic – you’ll decide for yourself by listening to everyone else’s stories and seeing if you can relate to the feelings.

You won’t stand out as different. Alcoholics are ordinary people.

If you are worried about your own intake reach out and tell someone before the wine o’clock everyone jokes about turns into a ticking time bomb.

You may be an alcoholic. You may not.

But if you are, I’m getting better one day at a time.

So can you.